A little hard to admit

* photo courtesy of flickr

During my pregnancy I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes. That rocked my world and my diet. Up to that point I had been eating rather well - fruits and vegetables, very little sweets, lots of water. Thanks to non-stop nausea from weeks 7 through 15, I didn't even gain my first pound until I was halfway into the pregnancy. It was only a few weeks later, when I finally got my appetite back, that I found out about the diabetes. Everything I wanted to eat was off limits. I only ended up gaining 16 pounds by the time I had Griffin. I'll be the first to admit that when I found out I was pregnant I worried about gaining too much weight. I know I shouldn't have been thinking about that, but I did, and I know I'm not alone. I was 35 years old, so my body was different from what it was ten years earlier.

I was happy that I only gained the 16 pounds (and I ate a healthy diabetic diet), and I was even happier when I got home from the hospital and saw that I lost all but three pounds. I ended up losing all the weight in about 5 days and eventually lost another 7 just by walking a colicky baby throughout the neighborhood three times a day. I was finally below my pre-pregnancy weight (I was not happy with where I started when I got pregnant). I kept it off for a while, mostly because of all the walking and the stress of a newborn.

Something happened along the way. I don't even know when it was, but the weight slowly started to come back. I think I can start to trace it back to when Patrick's dad was in the hospital and then in hospice. I was home alone with Griffin, who was 6 months old at the time. He was having trouble sleeping (I swear he could sense the stress in our house), and was waking up every 45-60 minutes. I barely slept. When I'd visit my father-in-law at hospice, someone would inevitably offer to run down to the cafeteria and pick up coffee for everyone. I'm not a coffee drinker, but I'd ask for a Coke. I never drink pop before 12 PM. I never have, but I did then. I kept pushing it earlier and earlier, and before I knew it, I was drinking pop at 10:30 AM. My point is I started drinking lots of pop back then. Everything kind of spiraled out of control after that. It seemed like everyone was depressed and under a lot of stress. I was tired and depressed and didn't feel like exercising. Just a lot of bad habits.

So here I am, two years after giving birth and I actually weigh two pounds less than I did when I was nine months pregnant. Seriously. Two pounds less than being nine months pregnant. Gross.

I know it doesn't really look like it (I can hide it well), but it's very obvious to me. I'm uncomfortable and depressed about it. So I'm finally trying to take control of the situation. I have never been on a diet in my life, aside from the diabetic diet. I did great with that, but I had a really good reason to stick with it. I need to eat better (and less) and I need to get back to exercising. It sounds so simple, but I know it won't be.

So wish me luck!

Two pounds less than full-term pregnancy weight {shudder}.

How It All Happened...

I hope this long post doesn't bore anyone, but I'm partly writing it for my own benefit. I highly doubt I could ever forget the events surrounding Griffin's birth, but I know that the details can get a bit foggy. So here's how it all happened:

Monday, July 22
Due to a major storm that knocked out power to most of the Quad Cities, I was at home (lots of damage and no power at work). I planned on using my time at home to get a few more things ready for the baby. However, I was feeling really tired and had the start of a migraine. I decided to take a nap around 3 PM, and when I woke up, my headache was even worse. At 4 PM, I got up to get some more medication, when I felt this strange sensation. It sort of felt like I peed my pants - not much, but enough to make me think, "Oh great, just another lovely side effect of being 9 months pregnant." I did find it a bit curious as I hadn't had any of these issues previously, but there's always a first. Pretty soon I realized that I wasn't wetting myself, but that my water broke.

I called the doctor's office thinking they'd tell me to chill at home for a little while as I wasn't feeling any contractions, but they told me to grab my bags and check into labor and delivery. Holy crap! I wasn't ready for this. Just then, Patrick came home. I told him what was happening and we grabbed our stuff and left for the hospital.

By about 6 PM we had been checked in and were getting settled in our room. I was in my hospital gown and was hooked up to the fetal monitor. Pretty soon, we could hear his heartbeat, which sounded a lot like galloping horses. Eventually the nurse turned down the volume because it was quite distracting. The doctor came in and we developed a plan - I would labor until midnight without any intervention and see how I progressed. If I dilated more (I was only at 1 CM, but 70% effaced), great. If not, they would start the dreaded Pitocin drip.

Patrick and I watched the Cubs game and chatted. I walked to the bathroom numerous times (still had that pregnancy bladder) and dragged my IV with me, while the cords from the fetal monitor were wrapped around my neck. Let me tell you...this wasn't easy!

Tuesday, July 22
Finally, it was 12 AM. No progress. They started the Pitocin drip a bit after midnight, and within 30 minutes, I started to actually feel some contractions (I'd been having them consistently since 6 PM, but they just weren't strong enough to make any real progress). By about 1 AM, they were strong enough for me to pull out the old breathing techniques. They were quite helpful until about 1:30 AM, when the contractions didn't deem to ever break. I decided to forgo the breathing and went straight into a plaintive moan. By this time, I also had rolled onto my side and gripped the bed rails with the wave of each contraction, moaning through them and waiting for them to peak and then subside...but they never subsided. The nurse came in around 2 AM and I told her that they didn't feel like they were letting up. She said, "That's because they're not."

It was at this point when every fear I ever had about getting an epidural went right out the window. She must have read my mind, because she asked me if I wanted one. She checked me again, and I was still stuck at 1 CM, but was 100% effaced and the baby had dropped. I didn't think they would give me an epidural because I had always been told that you needed to be at least 4 CM dilated. Thankfully, I was wrong. The 15 minutes it took the anesthesiologist to get to my room felt like an eternity. Patrick was strangely quiet during this time - I know it must have been hard for him to watch me like that. He was wonderful, though, and kept bringing me cold, wet washcloths for my face and neck.

All of a sudden, I could hear a man's voice coming down the hall. Relief was in sight! The epidural was painless and very quick. For some reason, I was able to sit still during my contractions for him to complete the procedure. I was motivated to feel better, so I was willing to do just about anything. Within 10 minutes, I started to feel some relief. I was numb from my thighs up to my mid-back, but I didn't care. I felt like a human being again - I could speak and breathe and actually listen to what others were saying to me.

I started experiencing some weird sensations - a definite pressure in my pelvis. The nurse checked me again, and was in complete shock when she told me that in the previous hour, I had dilated from 1 CM all the way to 10 CM! I was ready to push. I turned to Patrick and said, "Did you hear what she said?" He just nodded his head and smiled.

It's now 4:30AM and I'm starting to push. It's a strange sensation because your body is all crunched up and people are holding your feet and you're curling up in a tight ball while gripping some handle bars. Very primal. I made a lot of progress for the first hour, but then I kind of stalled. I pushed...and pushed...and pushed for 2 straight hours. I pushed on my back and on my side. I pushed while performing a tug-of-war with the nurse while we both pulled on a bed sheet. Nothing. Finally, the doctor said that we might need to think about a vacuum-assisted birth, and if that didn't work, we needed to do a c-section. She let me push some more and all of a sudden I was overcome with an insane amount of pressure. It was non-stop and I couldn't stop myself from pushing. They'd count to 10 and I would keep pushing to 11, 12, 13. My body was doing it on its own. I was so scared because they had turned off the epidural not long after I got it, so the numbness was wearing off and I could feel so much pressure and burning. I was so scared because the more I pushed, it felt like my body was going to break. That sounds like an exaggeration, but it's the truth. They told me that the best way to deal with the pain is to do the opposite of what your instinct is - instead of holding back and not pushing, I needed to push right through the pain. So I did. My nice, controlled pushes that I started out with were replaced with stronger pushes, heavy breathing in between (did I mention I had on an oxygen mask?), and I believe some occasional grunting. And you know what? It worked. A little before 7 AM, the doctor got on her gown and gloves. The nurses set up the cart with all the necessary medical supplies and instruments, and I was told it would be over very soon.

After his head was out, they suctioned his mouth and had me push very lightly. Out came his shoulders and my work was done - they pulled him out and out him on my chest. The rest is a blur - he was crying, Patrick was taking pictures, I was thrilled it was over, etc.

I don't think there is anyway someone could truly explain exactly how it feels to give birth. First of all, every woman's experience is different. Second, we all have our own issues to deal with. What I mean is that I am a highly anxious person who worries about everything. For me, labor and birth was the ultimate unknown. There were so many things out of my control. I tried to remain open minded about everything and go with the flow as much as possible. Overall, I think I did a great job...and for the first time in my 35 years, I am in awe of myself. This was me facing the ultimate fear. This was me going beyond any physical limitations I had ever put on myself. If I can do this, I don't know what I can't do. It feels like just about anything is within my reach.

The Bambino Has Arrived!

Griffin Delaney Moore was born on Tuesday, July 22nd at 7:04 AM. He weighed in at 7 lbs 6 oz and was 21 inches long.

There's so much I want to say about what happened - the details of the whole experience. I do plan on posting them, but right now I'm just too tired. We just got home about an hour ago and we're all exhausted. For now, I'll just post a couple of pictures:

Updates

- I'm still dilated to 1 cm
- My cervix has "considerably thinned"
- My blood pressure was still high
- The Bambino is "definitely head down"
- My blood pressure returned to normal after being on my side for 10 minutes
- The Bambino passed his third non-stress test
- I had two contractions between 9:00 AM and 9:30 AM today and then they stopped

Sorry for the short and medically-themed post, but I wanted to be sure to make note of my 37 week appointment. I don't want to forget any of these details.

I go back to the doctor on July 22nd, so we'll see if I continue to make progress...

37 Weeks

One Down...Nine To Go

I was planning on writing this yesterday, but never got around to it. Work is just crazy and they've had to put a temporary hold on one of the grants I'm writing due to some budget issues at the state level.

Anyway, I had my 36 week appointment on Tuesday and everything was fine - my blood pressure was up again, but I attribute that to my fear over having my first internal exam. Let's just say that I had a right to be nervous. Yowza! I figured it would be like having a yearly internal exam, but it wasn't. I was wondering how long she was going to be up there...and why the heck they have to go so far. For a second, I thought about asking her to just pull him out while she had her hand so far inside me. After all of that, I find out that I am dilated to 1 cm, but not effaced at all. As I said before, this doesn't mean that much. I could have the baby tomorrow, or I could walk around like this for the next few weeks.

I went up to labor and delivery for my weekly non-stress test. My blood pressure was almost back to normal by the time I got there, so I was relieved. Towards the end of the test, the nurse came in and asked me when I had seen the doctor. I told her that I came straight from my appointment to the test. She then took the printout from the test and left the room saying, "I need to call your doctor." I freaked out! What was wrong? Was the baby not moving enough? Are they going to have to admit me immediately? She finally came back and told me that the baby was doing just fine (we passed again!), but that I was having a lot of contractions. Who knew? I felt nothing aside from a dull ache that I figured was just from having been violated in my doctor's office. Obviously no one was too concerned because they unhooked me from the monitors and sent me on my way.

Now other things are happening. My body is showing signs that it is getting ready for the big day. The frustrating thing is that it could be tomorrow or it could be three weeks from now. After today's issues I've decided that I really need to get my hospital bag packed and have the baby's stuff packed. That makes it seem all too real. I'm starting to panic. What if I don't handle the pain well? What if I freak out? What if I'm really not strong enough to get through this?

I try to be funny about the exams and the tests, but the truth is that I'm really, really scared.

Progress - Part 2

The Bambino definitely has dropped a bit. First of all, my belly looks different. Second, I have to pee, like, every 15 minutes and I'm having a ton of pressure on my bladder - I feel it every time I stand up and I've been getting these sharp "jolts" when the baby moves around. Actually, I can feel him in every part of my belly (he moves a lot!), but I definitely feel them a lot lower than I used to.

I go to the doctor tomorrow for my first internal exam to see if I'm dilated or effaced. I hear these exams can be uncomfortable at this point in pregnancy, but I'm so curious about my progress. And, yes, I know that it doesn't really mean squat. I could walk around dilated to 3 for weeks, and I also could not be dilated at all and go into labor tomorrow.

It's all a big mystery...

Progress

I think the Bambino has started to drop. Over the past couple of days I can feel some things changing in how I sit, sleep, etc. I used to be incredibly uncomfortable while sitting at work or at home. I'd get these awful aches in my ribs and I would try to lean back as far as I could to alleviate them - not an easy thing to do when you sit all day at work. Now when I sit, it feels like he is resting on my lap a bit more. Relief! Also, when I bend down or reach over to pick up something, I don't gasp for breath. I feel like I can take a deep breath again and I don't feel full after a few bites of food. I was beginning to wonder where my appetite had gone...I think it has returned now that he's sitting a bit lower these days.

Of course, this means absolutely nothing. Well, not nothing. Obviously, he's positioning himself, but I still have about 4 weeks left, so I'm trying not to get too excited.

In other news...I found out on Monday that if I do make it to my due date, the Bambino could be around 9 lbs. Last week, he was estimated at about 6 lbs 8 oz with another 5 weeks to go. No wonder it's hard to roll out of bed! I also had my first non-stress test up in labor & delivery at the hospital. They are monitoring me closely due to the diabetes. His heart rate was great and he passed with flying colors. I will get these every week until I deliver just to make sure he's doing OK. If they notice anything wrong, then we move into a whole different set of decisions.

I can't believe he'll actually be here in a month. It seems like just yesterday when we found out I was pregnant. It really has gone by so quickly.

As for names, we've got some ideas but we're not sharing. Too many people feel like it's their job to inform you that they used to live next door to some kid with the same name and he was a real jerk, or that their least favorite relative has that name. We're avoiding all of that and keeping our names to ourselves. In fact, we haven't even settled on anything. We're going in with a few first and middle names and plan on waiting to see what he looks like.

34 Week Ultrasound

We had another ultrasound today to measure the baby for growth due to my diabetes. I have pictures, but am working from home, so I can't scan them in until tomorrow.

As for his size, the tech said that he was a "big boy." At 29 weeks his weight was estimated at 3 lbs 12 oz and today it was estimated at 6 lbs 7oz. There is a one pound differential, so he could be anywhere between 5 lbs 7 oz and 7 lbs 7oz. I still have 5 weeks to go according to my due date, but I'm beginning to wonder if I will make it that long. I have no medical reasons to think this, but just based on my doctor's recent comments and a gut feeling that I have.

We also were told that he has big feet and is very long (they had to estimate the length of his legs on several pictures because they couldn't get them to fit on one screen).

I'm getting anxious about these last few weeks. We're still working on the nursery (we're picking up the furniture this weekend while we're in Chicago). After that, we should pretty much be done. But I'm most concerned about labor and delivery. I'm scared of needing a c-section - honestly that freaks me out more than anything else. I hate the feeling of being out of control, and even though my level of control is still limited if I have a "natural" delivery, I still feel like I have much more control than if I have to have surgery.

Just trying to stay as calm as possible...

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...

Last week my doctor called me and placed me on a new medication to help control my blood sugar. Apparently it stimulates the pancreas to produce insulin. I take it twice a day - once with breakfast and once with dinner. I was a little bit bummed about it because I really hoped the new "diet" would help control things, but it looks like I need some help.

The first couple of days, things were great. My numbers were well within the range. Then I noticed that the post-dinner levels were creeping up again. Yesterday, 3 of my 4 levels were high (near 140) and I was feeling pretty crappy - sluggish, headache, nauseated. This morning I did my little dipstick test of my urine and found traces of ketones, which means that my body is metabolizing fat instead of carbohydrates. It's a big warning sign that the diabetes is not under control.

I sat down and cried. I feel like I'm failing. I have always been a healthy eater, so following this "diet" hasn't really been that bad. The only thing I really had to cut out of my usual diet was orange juice (and fresh fruit in the morning). I'm not a sweets eater, so avoiding that hasn't been too bad. I just can't figure out what I'm doing wrong. I ate well my whole pregnancy. I exercised. I continue to take my prenatal vitamins. I attend all my doctor's visits and get the recommended tests. So why is this whole thing so out of control?

I see my doctor tomorrow afternoon, so hopefully she has some more insight into this situation. I only have about 6 weeks to go...I just hope and pray that he is OK. That's all I care about.

This Blog Is Getting Boring

I am fully aware that this blog is either A) me ranting about gestational diabetes (and boy, could I go off on another tangent right now!) or B) me writing nothing for days on end.

Here's the deal - I'm swamped at work with trying to complete my "regular" projects, as well as preparing for my upcoming maternity leave. Right now I'm scheduled for 8 weeks of leave, but my boss and I have spoken about the possibility of me taking the full 12 weeks if it's financially possible. And since I am the entire Development Department at work, I don't really have anyone who can help pick up the slack while I'm gone. This doesn't mean that I'm not going to get any help, it just means that the more work I get done before I have the baby, the better.

Right now I have three grants due by the end of June and I just found out that I have another three HUGE grants due in the next 3-4 weeks (this is according to my boss - the deadline is probably the end of July, but she is convinced that I will have to deliver the baby early due to the aforementioned gestational diabetes).

On top of work, we're finishing the nursery, fixing up the basement for when my parents visit, and dealing with everyday life.

So this is why this blog has been so boring.

Resting

I started having some cramping last night - in my lower back as well as uterine cramps. I couldn't fall asleep because I was worried about it. When I woke up this morning, the cramps were pretty much gone, but I was feeling nauseated and tired...I just felt "off."

But the cramping returned this afternoon, so I finally called the doctor (why do I feel like I'm being annoying by calling my doctor?). They told me that I most likely was having Braxton Hicks contractions and that I should drink a bunch of water and take it easy tonight. They think the heat and humidity (and even the slightest bit of dehydration) can make the cramping worse. If I have more than 5 contractions in an hour, I need to call my doctor. I'm crossing my fingers that some water and rest will alleviate the situation.

Yum

My new diet plan requires me to eat two "carb choices" for breakfast (this is approximately 30 grams of carbs). However, I am not allowed to have fruit juice, fruit, cold cereal, hot cereal, muffins, bagels, pancakes, or waffles first thing in the morning.

I started off by having whole wheat toast with peanut butter. I ate this just about every day for the past two weeks - aside from a Saturday or Sunday when I would have an egg and a piece of wheat toast. I was growing very bored and had another diabetic tell me that I should try NutriGrain frozen waffles. Yes, they're on the naughty list, but they are whole grain and because they contain lots of protein, I get to subtract that from the total number of carbs they contain. I was shocked when I found out that two of the frozen waffles only contained 28 grams of carbs (and that's before subtracting for the protein!).

So my new favorite breakfast (that still keeps my blood sugar below 120) is the following: 2 whole grain frozen waffles with peanut butter. I place the peanut butter sides together and eat it like a sandwich. The heat from the waffles melts the peanut butter and it's like food nirvana. Sometimes, if I think my body can handle it, I spread a tablespoon of low-sugar raspberry preserves on the waffles before I smash them together.

The small things in life make me very happy.

Ups and Downs

This has been a very frustrating week with regard to my diabetes. Last week, I was doing extremely well - meaning that I was following my new meal plan and my blood sugar counts were excellent. I felt like everything was under control and I was even feeling a bit cocky about the whole thing. All I had to do to conquer this thing was cut out a couple of things from my diet and up my exercise just a bit. No problem!

Then it all came crashing down on me. My blood sugar counts started to increase and it didn't (and still doesn't) make any sense. No orange juice. No Coke. No cookies or sweets. I was sticking to my 1/3 cup of pasta or rice (in fact, I wasn't even eating any since there's almost no point when you can only eat 1/3 cup of it!).

I do my best to get in my range of "carb choices" for each meal and snack, but when your stomach has been shoved into the upper fourth of your torso, it's not easy to eat that much food. Plus, when I did reach those goals, my blood sugar would spike at my 2-hour post-meal check. I've had to do a little tweaking on my own to try to get those numbers back down to where they belong - increasing my exercise and cutting down to one less carb choice per meal. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

I see my OB/GYN this afternoon for my regular prenatal check-up and to review my blood sugar numbers. I'm crossing my fingers that the numbers aren't so high that I need insulin. Tomorrow is my follow-up with the dietician to review my numbers and possibly tweak my diet, and then on Thursday, I have my follow-up with the diabetes counselor.

This is so confusing and frustrating. I only have 9 weeks to go (if the baby doesn't grow too big due to the diabetes). I know I can get through this, but I'm starting to stress about what I eat and how many carbs I've had. Too many? Too few?

I'll know more later this week. Right now I'm thinking about lunch...

Diaper Bag #1

We're going to have two diaper bags...shocking, I know!

Here's one I ordered from Amazon. I love it because it's the same color scheme as the Bambino's room. I also think it looks like a cute purse, and will be easy to load up with everything and run some errands:

We also are getting another diaper bag - one that is a bit more sturdy for all those visits to see my family or going for walks or mini-trips around town. It's black with all kinds of zipped compartments, and is carried like a messenger bag (over the shoulder - criss-crossing the chest). I specifically picked this one so Patrick will feel like a guy when he carries it...and believe me, he WILL be carrying it at some point...

Sometimes I Just Don't Want To Eat That Many Carbs

Seriously.

I see my nutritionist again on Tuesday. Maybe she can help me figure out how to eat as many carbs as I should be eating when I feel full after munching on a few crackers with cheese, or one piece of wheat toast with peanut butter.

The Bambino at 30 Weeks

Here are the latest pictures of the Bambino. Now that I have gestational diabetes, I need to have ultrasounds every 4 weeks.

The tech said that he is measuring approximately 3 lbs 12 oz. He has long legs and big feet. During the exam, we could see him reaching out and grabbing his toes - he was a very busy boy.

I've Got "The Betes"

My doctor's office called this morning and told me that I failed my 3-hour glucose test. This means that I now have gestational diabetes (or "The Betes" as it's fondly called in my house).

They are setting up an appointment for me to see a diabetic counselor and I will need to check my blood sugar four times a day every day and keep a diary of my blood sugar levels.

Dear Diary,

I've got The Betes and I've got the blues...

-Tracy

Glucose Schmucose

I had my glucose tolerance test this morning. No news yet, but I hope to hear by Friday.

I got to the hospital around 7 AM and finally left there at 11 AM. It was a very long morning, but I am thrilled that it's finally over. I've been worrying about this since last Thursday, and all in all, it wasn't as bad as some people have made it sound. Why do people insist on telling you how they passed out or threw up all over the waiting room when they did this test?

The worst part is that you have to fast for about 10 hours. I'm one of those people who wakes up and can eat almost immediately - especially these past few months. This morning, I got up, threw on some comfy clothes and headed out the door - I did my best to not think about that ice-cold glass of orange juice that I have each morning.

They tried to draw my blood right away, but just as they were about to do so, my nose started bleeding...and it wouldn't stop. They ended up making me lay down in a chaise lounge and prop my feet up. It finally stopped and they took my blood, then poured me a nice, tall glass of cold glucola. Yum. This time it had twice the amount of glucose, which gave the already sweet orange drink a thick, syrupy consistency. The only good thing was that it wasn't as carbonated, so I didn't feel as bloated.

Then I sat for an hour - I read a book and watched people come in and out of the hospital.

Another blood draw and another hour in the waiting area. I repeated this two more times for a total of 3 hours and 4 blood draws.

By the last 30 minutes, my stomach was growling and I couldn't stop thinking about all the food that sounded really good to me. I went home feeling sluggish and headachy from the sugar crash and the 12+ hour fast.

I'm curious what the results will be - just a fluke or gestational diabetes? Only time will tell.

I'm A Failure

I failed my glucose screening test. This means that I have to take the 3-hour glucose tolerance test next week. I have to fast for 8 hours, then go to the lab to have my blood drawn. After that, I need to guzzle down The Fizzy Lifting Drink (now with even more glucose!), and have my blood drawn every hour for 3 hours.

This seriously sucks.

Patrick thinks I should have studied harder, and now wonders if I will have to go to glucose summer school. It's not that funny when you're the one who has to sit through the test...