Oct 17, 2006

Life As I Know It

My life changed 20 years ago today. Sometimes I think it was for the worse, but then again, I probably wouldn't be who I am today - writing this post. Years ago, I thought that this date would eventually mean nothing to me. It would hold no significance. Eventually, the memories would have to fade. It didn't work like that. Each and every October I look at the calendar and see that date. The 17th. There it is, looming larger than life - staring back at me. Now I don't think that I will ever not think about things on that day.

It's OK, though. I have made it twenty years. I have finished college and graduate school. I've had some wonderful and important jobs. I got married. I own a home. I have a family.

I am OK.

Oct 12, 2006

Hi Jason!

This post is dedicated to my friend, Jason. He is the only reader of my blog (even my dad stopped reading it). He also is a good person and a good friend - even though we live many miles apart.

We started work on the very same day back in September 2000 - and endured many hours in orientation. We had lunch together the day of my first date with my now husband (and he listened to me go on and on about how nervous I was). Together we watched the events of 9/11 unfold. I attended the baby shower for his first child. He and his wife attended my wedding.

That's a lot of big events in only 6 years!

So, for that (and all of the other unmentioned events, lunches, conversations, etc), I just wanted to say THANK YOU for being my friend. I wish I could see you and Angela more often.

Oct 9, 2006

I Cried Last Night

Saturday evening was the Light The Night Walk which supported the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I walked with my team - my mom, dad, and sister. It was a beautiful evening with the most perfect weather. It was a wonderful night because our team was able to raise over $1500, but it also was an emotional night - not even four months since she passed away. We were surrounded by all things cancer, so it was hard.

I got into bed last night and cried. I sobbed. I haven't done that since the day she died. I attended my stepson's baseball game - mostly to get my mind on something better than death. I only stayed for 30 minutes. I drove the short distance back home and as I pulled in the driveway I realized that I could no longer hold back the tears. I sobbed as I sat in the garage - fearful that the neighbor boy from across the street would stop by to say hi.

Last night was different. I wasn't sobbing because I had just lost someone I loved so much. I cried because all of the Light The Night prep work was over. I signed up for the walk just 5 days before she died. Ever since then my focus has been on organizing my team and raising money. Last night came the realization that it was over. The realization that now I needed to face the loss. Face the grief that I stuffed down inside me.

I am afraid to grieve - afraid that if I start crying I won't be able to stop. All I can think about was what my mom said to me the day before my aunt died, when we knew the end was near: "It's so sad. I'm just so sad."