I believe this is the record for the longest gap between blog posts. I'm not proud of it. I used to write weekly...maybe even more often. It drove me nuts that I wasn't writing and I actually felt guilty for such a long hiatus. Who was I kidding? It's not like anyone was waiting to read what I had to say about parenthood, work, and the stress of balancing all of that while trying to someday possibly reach my dream of becoming a published author. It was when I let go of that self-imposed guilt that I discovered that I really did have something to say.
You know the whole elephant-in-the-room phenomenon? That's pretty much what has been going on over here on my end. The more I tried to avoid what was going on, the more excuses I found not to blog. When you try your hardest to ignore something so enormous you end up becoming paralyzed. Frozen. Completely blank.
So 2012 sucked. From the first day to the very last. As Griffin likes to say, "I'm not even kidding about this." From a severely sprained ankle to a skin cancer diagnosis and surgery. From the death of my dear, sweet grandfather to the near death of my marriage. The year drained me. It robbed me. It took my soul. You know that feeling when you coast into the gas station on fumes? That was me. All the time.
I didn't want to talk about it - especially the marriage part. I was ashamed, embarrassed, confused, and frustrated. I still am, actually, but it just depends on the day. It consumed me, though, and all those other things I already mentioned simply piled on top of that and pushed me down lower and lower. A wise person once told me that sometimes we all just need to tread water. I couldn't even do that. It seemed like every time I was able to break the surface, something stronger than me pushed me back under...and held me there.
Sometimes I feel as though I lost an entire year of my life. Physical therapy, biopsies, doctors' appointments, futile attempts at marriage counseling. I was out-of-control. A puppet. But as the year came to a close, I realized that I did have control over some things in my life, and that it was just a matter of knowing what those things were. I cannot control whether or not I develop additional skin cancers (though I would love to be able to control that!), but I can do my best to prevent them and continue to see my doctor every few months for checks. However, I can control whether or not I let all of this consume me. I could stay paralyzed, watching life pass me by, but that means missing out on everything that I love - Griffin, my family, my passion for writing, pursuing my dream of publication, etc.
Everything that happened last year will always be a part of me...a part of my history, but it is a conscious decision not to let them define me. That's the tricky part. It is so easy fall into the victim mentality. By no means have I conquered that. There are many days when I let myself stew in some sadness. Sometimes it's just what we need to do. But I have learned when to get back to life, when to suck it up and move on.
I have no idea what is going to happen this year. People tell me I have nowhere to go but up, but in all honesty, that makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop. In the meantime, though, I will continue to be a parent (a pretty darn good one, too), a maybe-wife, a friend, and as always...a writer.
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Feb 12, 2013
May 12, 2011
My struggle to become a person
The real problem is that everything I write is about ME. I mean, that's the whole point of a blog, right? It's my opinion. My perspective. My ideas. That gets boring after a while...even for me and it's my own life we're talking about. How many times can I write "Griffin was back at the doctor today," or "I planned on writing, but that grant sucked the life right out of me."? I feel like that's all I've got right now.
A couple of months ago I wrote about the pressure wanna-be writers have with trying to work on their own writing while establishing a presence online. I decided that I wanted to focus on my writing - learning more about the craft and completing and revising another novel - because that's what was going to make me a better writer. I'm not at the point where this can be a writing blog. And I don't really want it to be one. Ever.
I started this blog on the eve of my 33rd birthday as a way to write as often as possible...about anything I wanted to write about. I liked that. I enjoyed writing about our vacations and books that I read. I loved sharing a family recipe and my always-evolving photography skills. I want and a need a place to talk about my family, my struggles, and my ambitions. But there's that pressure to focus on writing. There's the pressure to know lots of other bloggers who share the same dream. The pressure to be part of "that group." If I comment on a blog, I'm worried that someone will check my blog and see that I last posted about Griffin's visit to Iowa City. That's not what a fellow writer wants to read about. But it's still my life.
Because I've felt so caught in the middle, I've avoided my blog completely. Not the best solution, and definitely not intentional, but that's what happened.
Here's what I wrote in my very first post back on January 18, 2006:
"Quite a number of years ago - almost 20 to be exact - my father gave me a book as a gift. It's by Hugh Prather, and it's called Notes to Myself: My struggle to become a person. If I could steal that title without getting in trouble, I would. That seems to be the theme of my journals. Despite being 24-hours shy of turning 33, and having finished graduate school and found a 'real' job, I still feel like I struggle to become a person. I don't think that's a bad thing."
So maybe that's it - I don't have to change my blog to be something I'm not. Maybe I just continue to write about my journey. My journey as a person, who just happens to be a wife, mother, grant writer, and fiction writer.
Every moment that I am centered in the future, I suffer a temporary loss of this life.
~Hugh Prather
Mar 16, 2011
Treading water
It has been one month since I last posted on my blog. To be honest, it's not that I haven't had time. I haven't had much to say. What's the point of reading this if all you're going to see is a series of complaints? Yes, lately my life has been stressful and frustrating. Whose life isn't? We all experience ups and downs in life. I'm no different. I took a long break during my most recent down. Not a real break, but just a break from my blog. It was one more stress I didn't need. Instead, I took that time to focus on just surviving. Getting by. Taking care of the basics in my life.
There is a lot of pressure to do it all - work a full-time job, take care of your family, stay on top of bills, etc. Then there's that little matter of actually taking care of yourself. What? You mean it's okay to take time to take a walk (alone)? To read a book (not one with pictures)? To browse the aisles at Target (and not have to explain to a two-year-old why you won't be visiting the toy department)? So that's what I've been doing lately. Reading. Enjoying the weather - taking walks, getting ready for our garden, sitting on our porch doing nothing else. You know what? It feels good.
My boss and I had a serious conversation this time last year. It was the first time I told her, or anyone outside of my family, that Patrick was unemployed and we were struggling. After telling her how the whole situation had been weighing on me, and how the stress of keeping everything (and everyone) together was overwhelming, she said to me, "Sometimes all we can do is tread water." In other words, all you need to do to survive is stay afloat. No fancy moves, just keep your head above water. That's exactly what I've been doing this past month. The pressure is still there. I feel it all the time, but the difference is that I can weigh what is truly important. Sometimes the laundry sits longer than I would like. Other times, I don't cook and we have sandwiches for dinner. Writing has fallen down my list of priorities. Instead, I choose to sit in my living room with Griffin, watching him squeal as I blow bubbles.
There is comfort in letting go of the pressure - letting go of the excess. I'm not trying to keep up with anyone else. I'm just trying to do what I need to do to get by. I'm treading water, and that's okay.
Sometimes good enough is all we can do. And when you think about it, what's wrong with that?
There is a lot of pressure to do it all - work a full-time job, take care of your family, stay on top of bills, etc. Then there's that little matter of actually taking care of yourself. What? You mean it's okay to take time to take a walk (alone)? To read a book (not one with pictures)? To browse the aisles at Target (and not have to explain to a two-year-old why you won't be visiting the toy department)? So that's what I've been doing lately. Reading. Enjoying the weather - taking walks, getting ready for our garden, sitting on our porch doing nothing else. You know what? It feels good.
My boss and I had a serious conversation this time last year. It was the first time I told her, or anyone outside of my family, that Patrick was unemployed and we were struggling. After telling her how the whole situation had been weighing on me, and how the stress of keeping everything (and everyone) together was overwhelming, she said to me, "Sometimes all we can do is tread water." In other words, all you need to do to survive is stay afloat. No fancy moves, just keep your head above water. That's exactly what I've been doing this past month. The pressure is still there. I feel it all the time, but the difference is that I can weigh what is truly important. Sometimes the laundry sits longer than I would like. Other times, I don't cook and we have sandwiches for dinner. Writing has fallen down my list of priorities. Instead, I choose to sit in my living room with Griffin, watching him squeal as I blow bubbles.
There is comfort in letting go of the pressure - letting go of the excess. I'm not trying to keep up with anyone else. I'm just trying to do what I need to do to get by. I'm treading water, and that's okay.
Sometimes good enough is all we can do. And when you think about it, what's wrong with that?
Feb 15, 2011
Taking a step back
I hate that my blog has become all about writing. I started this five years ago as a way to log the rather boring details of my life - not for anyone other than myself. I was a journal-keeper. I have stacks upon stacks of notebooks logging the boring details of my life going all the way back to my first years as a teenager. Life got busy and the writing slowed and then eventually stopped. Blogging was a way for me to get back into that habit of writing and tracking all that was going on in my life (even if it was interesting to no one but me).
I wrote about my family, my hobbies, my travels, and my passions. Along the way, I rediscovered my love of writing fiction.While I mentioned it frequently, I never did anything about it. By chance, I met someone who also loved writing. She might have loved it more than me. Or perhaps she expressed it more than me because the love was there, but over the years I just pushed it down. It was just another unrealistic dream.
But here's the thing. It's not unrealistic. I always say, If you don't go in, you can't find out. So a couple of years ago I decided to go in so I could find out. I completed NaNoWriMo in 2009 and subsequently completed my first novel. I'm working on completing Novel #2. I began reading published author/writer blogs and trying to soak up as much knowledge as I could from those with more experience. I've never admitted it, but all that did was make me aware of exactly how much more I needed to learn. I felt defeated and insecure. Not ready to throw in the towel (because you can't get rid of me that easily), but definitely discouraged. Definitely feeling left behind.
Until I read this post by author Jody Hedlund. A light went on! She goes on to say:
"But newer writers today have the pulse of the writing industry at their fingertips. And while there are an incredible number of benefits to being intimately connected to the industry, young writers may also be feeling undue pressure to do too much too quickly. And once under the pressure, they may soon find the love and joy of writing zapped from them.
I think newer writers, those close to the beginning of their writing journeys, need to take the pressure off themselves. And they need to give their creativity and love of the writing process time to develop."
I feel as though I'm in a mad rush to win a marathon. I need to slow down. I need to pace myself. I need to reignite that passion for writing that I've lost along the way. So I am taking a step back - no more reading so many writer blogs, no more trying to keep up with others, no more unnecessary pressure on myself. I just need to get back to the basics. Just write.
I wrote about my family, my hobbies, my travels, and my passions. Along the way, I rediscovered my love of writing fiction.While I mentioned it frequently, I never did anything about it. By chance, I met someone who also loved writing. She might have loved it more than me. Or perhaps she expressed it more than me because the love was there, but over the years I just pushed it down. It was just another unrealistic dream.
But here's the thing. It's not unrealistic. I always say, If you don't go in, you can't find out. So a couple of years ago I decided to go in so I could find out. I completed NaNoWriMo in 2009 and subsequently completed my first novel. I'm working on completing Novel #2. I began reading published author/writer blogs and trying to soak up as much knowledge as I could from those with more experience. I've never admitted it, but all that did was make me aware of exactly how much more I needed to learn. I felt defeated and insecure. Not ready to throw in the towel (because you can't get rid of me that easily), but definitely discouraged. Definitely feeling left behind.
Until I read this post by author Jody Hedlund. A light went on! She goes on to say:
"But newer writers today have the pulse of the writing industry at their fingertips. And while there are an incredible number of benefits to being intimately connected to the industry, young writers may also be feeling undue pressure to do too much too quickly. And once under the pressure, they may soon find the love and joy of writing zapped from them.
I think newer writers, those close to the beginning of their writing journeys, need to take the pressure off themselves. And they need to give their creativity and love of the writing process time to develop."
I feel as though I'm in a mad rush to win a marathon. I need to slow down. I need to pace myself. I need to reignite that passion for writing that I've lost along the way. So I am taking a step back - no more reading so many writer blogs, no more trying to keep up with others, no more unnecessary pressure on myself. I just need to get back to the basics. Just write.
Sep 17, 2010
Too tired and too stressed to think of a clever title
So I haven't blogged in a while. It's been over seven days, but who's counting? Here's the truth. I could come here every day, or even every other day, and write something. Anything. But I don't want to force myself to do that when I don't have anything to say, and I definitely don't want to make anyone come here every day and read whatever nonsense I write because I didn't really have anything to say. But isn't that exactly what I'm doing right now? Eh. Whatever.
Here are some very valid reasons (in my humble opinion) for my recent blogging hiatus:
Work
I work for a non-profit child care agency that helps low- and moderate-income families with their child care. I write grants and do all the PR and craft an annual fundraising plan and coordinate special events. This year is our 40th anniversary and we are not only hosting a celebration, we were kind of pushed into launching an endowment campaign. Basically, we are trying to raise about $1 million. Needless to say I've been swamped. The event is in less than two weeks and I've encountered almost daily migraines. Blogging is being put on the back burner until life returns to normal.
Children
We have a teenager and a toddler at home. Need I say more? Yes? OK, well did you know that in the state of Iowa, you only have to be 14 to get a driver's permit? Duncan will hit that magic age in about four weeks. Add to that the fact that Griffin has been battling his asthma issues and we've been battling him with his tantrums. Really Griffin? You seriously need to wear pants when you leave the house. Wearing a shirt and a diaper is not negotiable.
Finances
I'll keep this one short and sweet. Patrick is still unemployed. We're living off of my non-profit salary, unemployment, and our tax refund. Being depressed and being at home with another depressed person is, well, it's depressing.
Migraines
See the previous categories for an explanation.
My blogging will continue to be sporadic, at least until this huge special event is behind me. Only another couple of weeks and hopefully I will be back with more positive things to talk about - like NaNoWriMo, a description of the painful process of editing the first draft of a novel, and of course a discussion of our Halloween 2010 plans (you didn't think we wouldn't come up with another great family costume idea, did you?).
Edited to add: No one really reads this, so I have no idea who I think I'm talking to in this post.
Here are some very valid reasons (in my humble opinion) for my recent blogging hiatus:
Work
I work for a non-profit child care agency that helps low- and moderate-income families with their child care. I write grants and do all the PR and craft an annual fundraising plan and coordinate special events. This year is our 40th anniversary and we are not only hosting a celebration, we were kind of pushed into launching an endowment campaign. Basically, we are trying to raise about $1 million. Needless to say I've been swamped. The event is in less than two weeks and I've encountered almost daily migraines. Blogging is being put on the back burner until life returns to normal.
Children
We have a teenager and a toddler at home. Need I say more? Yes? OK, well did you know that in the state of Iowa, you only have to be 14 to get a driver's permit? Duncan will hit that magic age in about four weeks. Add to that the fact that Griffin has been battling his asthma issues and we've been battling him with his tantrums. Really Griffin? You seriously need to wear pants when you leave the house. Wearing a shirt and a diaper is not negotiable.
Finances
I'll keep this one short and sweet. Patrick is still unemployed. We're living off of my non-profit salary, unemployment, and our tax refund. Being depressed and being at home with another depressed person is, well, it's depressing.
Migraines
See the previous categories for an explanation.
My blogging will continue to be sporadic, at least until this huge special event is behind me. Only another couple of weeks and hopefully I will be back with more positive things to talk about - like NaNoWriMo, a description of the painful process of editing the first draft of a novel, and of course a discussion of our Halloween 2010 plans (you didn't think we wouldn't come up with another great family costume idea, did you?).
Edited to add: No one really reads this, so I have no idea who I think I'm talking to in this post.
Aug 18, 2010
The first time in my life I ever quoted Tom Petty
The waiting is the hardest part.
It is. And it has been for months now. I'm a bit reluctant to even post this because now that I've linked my blog to Facebook, anyone that I'm friends with (and let's face it, most of those people aren't really friends as much as they are acquaintances or ex-boyfriends or people that I was just dying to know how they turned out after our awkward phases in junior high). My point is that any one of those people can now read this - the blog that I started years ago as a way to replace my personal journal. So you might ask, "But Tracy, why on earth would you make public all of your private thoughts?" The simple answer is - I never thought anyone would ever read this. However, I have written and posted things that I do want people to read. So I battle with how much I really want people to know. At this point in my life, it doesn't really matter anymore because I just don't care what acquaintances from high school and college think about me. I so wish I felt that way back then.
Having said all that, some of my real friends know how rough things have been lately in my household. We went from a two-income, financially stable family to a single-income, financially unstable family. To put it in perspective, I work for a local non-profit as a grant writer/fund raiser. For those of you who can't read between the lines, non-profit = I'm not rolling in dough. I have a steady paycheck and I do OK, but we have a mortgage and day care and utilities and food and oh-my-god-if-Griffin-needs-one-more-round-of-antibiotics-or-inhalers-I'm going-to scream. The bottom line is we owe more than we make.
I am grateful that Patrick is getting unemployment each week, and even more grateful that while it must be a total blow to his ego to have to file an unemployment claim each week, he does it for all of us. We went about two months on just my paycheck and it was very difficult. One of the things that upsets me so much is that we are quickly approaching the one-year mark for him being without a full-time job. I bite my tongue all the time so I don't add any additional stress to his life by mentioning that I'm the only one with a job. But it's true. I am solely financially responsible for my family and my non-profit paycheck doesn't cut it. We're ridiculously behind in our mortgage and I get calls ever day from debt collectors. And it's not like Patrick hasn't been trying. He is waiting to hear back from a local company about a recent interview - it was a second interview, in fact. Any day now we should hear whether he got the position or if the other candidate got it. I'm so anxious about it because right now he doesn't have any other interviews lined up.
And I'm not just saying this because I'm his wife, but I can't imagine someone passing him up. He's smart, loyal, easy to get along with (unless you live with him, and then the abundance of coffee mugs that clutter the counter will drive you batty). Sometimes when I tell people that my husband is unemployed, they look at me a little strange, especially when I say it has been well over six months. Why can't he find a job? What's wrong with him? Is he not looking hard enough? There's nothing wrong with him and he is looking. He's either overqualified (no one wants to hire a guy with his MBA who is really looking for a more permanent, better-paying job) or he's underqualified (he doesn't have the exact experience they're looking for).
I'm not even sure why I engaged in this rant. I'm stressed and overworked and I'm looking at some freelance writing jobs to help bring in more money, which only means that I am going to be even more overworked and stressed.
In the meantime, we just have to wait and see if Patrick gets this job.
Oh Tom, however did you get to be so wise?
It is. And it has been for months now. I'm a bit reluctant to even post this because now that I've linked my blog to Facebook, anyone that I'm friends with (and let's face it, most of those people aren't really friends as much as they are acquaintances or ex-boyfriends or people that I was just dying to know how they turned out after our awkward phases in junior high). My point is that any one of those people can now read this - the blog that I started years ago as a way to replace my personal journal. So you might ask, "But Tracy, why on earth would you make public all of your private thoughts?" The simple answer is - I never thought anyone would ever read this. However, I have written and posted things that I do want people to read. So I battle with how much I really want people to know. At this point in my life, it doesn't really matter anymore because I just don't care what acquaintances from high school and college think about me. I so wish I felt that way back then.
Having said all that, some of my real friends know how rough things have been lately in my household. We went from a two-income, financially stable family to a single-income, financially unstable family. To put it in perspective, I work for a local non-profit as a grant writer/fund raiser. For those of you who can't read between the lines, non-profit = I'm not rolling in dough. I have a steady paycheck and I do OK, but we have a mortgage and day care and utilities and food and oh-my-god-if-Griffin-needs-one-more-round-of-antibiotics-or-inhalers-I'm going-to scream. The bottom line is we owe more than we make.
I am grateful that Patrick is getting unemployment each week, and even more grateful that while it must be a total blow to his ego to have to file an unemployment claim each week, he does it for all of us. We went about two months on just my paycheck and it was very difficult. One of the things that upsets me so much is that we are quickly approaching the one-year mark for him being without a full-time job. I bite my tongue all the time so I don't add any additional stress to his life by mentioning that I'm the only one with a job. But it's true. I am solely financially responsible for my family and my non-profit paycheck doesn't cut it. We're ridiculously behind in our mortgage and I get calls ever day from debt collectors. And it's not like Patrick hasn't been trying. He is waiting to hear back from a local company about a recent interview - it was a second interview, in fact. Any day now we should hear whether he got the position or if the other candidate got it. I'm so anxious about it because right now he doesn't have any other interviews lined up.
And I'm not just saying this because I'm his wife, but I can't imagine someone passing him up. He's smart, loyal, easy to get along with (unless you live with him, and then the abundance of coffee mugs that clutter the counter will drive you batty). Sometimes when I tell people that my husband is unemployed, they look at me a little strange, especially when I say it has been well over six months. Why can't he find a job? What's wrong with him? Is he not looking hard enough? There's nothing wrong with him and he is looking. He's either overqualified (no one wants to hire a guy with his MBA who is really looking for a more permanent, better-paying job) or he's underqualified (he doesn't have the exact experience they're looking for).
I'm not even sure why I engaged in this rant. I'm stressed and overworked and I'm looking at some freelance writing jobs to help bring in more money, which only means that I am going to be even more overworked and stressed.
In the meantime, we just have to wait and see if Patrick gets this job.
Oh Tom, however did you get to be so wise?
Jun 29, 2010
Flip-flopping
When I first started a blog back in 2006, I used Blogger. It was free and easy and I had no complaints. After a couple of years, I started to feel limited by Blogger - there didn't seem to be enough widgets and I craved more creative freedom. Wordpress gave me that freedom. I really enjoyed it and it felt like a step up from Blogger. Of course, nothing is perfect, and I soon discovered that WordPress had it's limitations as well. I read a lot of blogs and often make comments. Most of those blogs I follow are on Blogger and when I go to leave a comment I have to go through a frustrating process. It's annoying (and makes me sound incredibly lazy), but all I want to do is leave a comment. Is that too much to ask for?
So I'm back to Blogger, and you know what? They've made a lot of changes and improvements.
It's good to be home.
So I'm back to Blogger, and you know what? They've made a lot of changes and improvements.
It's good to be home.
May 6, 2010
Swamped
I hate to keep saying this, but I have been swamped the past month. I've written more grants than I care to remember, we're in the midst of celebrating our agency's 40th anniversary (which includes a huge special event and fundraising), and like usual this time of year, we have our annual golf event.
The golf event is on Monday and that day can't get here soon enough. It's the build-up to that day that just about kills me each year. Imagine planning a wedding for 200 people every year, but without the fancy dress, dancing, and cake.
I'm looking forward to blogging more once the event is over.
The golf event is on Monday and that day can't get here soon enough. It's the build-up to that day that just about kills me each year. Imagine planning a wedding for 200 people every year, but without the fancy dress, dancing, and cake.
I'm looking forward to blogging more once the event is over.
Feb 21, 2010
Missing in action
Just as I vowed to post more often (like I used to do), everything came crashing in on me. Griffin got over his bout of bronchitis and finally got all the steroids out of his system only to get sick again last week. Another case of bronchitis, but this time it wasn't responding to his antibiotics. When I picked him up out of his crib on MOnday morning, he was hot to the touch. I felt the heat from his skin burn through his pajamas and even through my pants. His temp was 103 and he was miserable.
After a trip to the ER and another chest x-ray, the doctor came in and told me it was double pneumonia. We had to pick up a really strong antibiotic, rotate Tylenol and Motrin every three hours for the next 48 hours, and give him lots of liquids (he stopped eating and lost over a whole pound).
I've been swamped at work and have some major deadlines hanging over my head. Patrick agreed to watch Griffin for the rest of the week so I could go to work, but early on Tuesday morning, Patrick complained of a sore throat. Let me preface this part of the story by telling you that Patrick never complains about feeling sick and he rarely goes to the doctor. When he called me around 12 PM and said he was going to the doctor, I just about fell off my chair. The doctor diagnosed him with influenza and started him on Tamiflu. Patrick had a temperature of 102 for the next couple of days and I wasn't able to go to work. I couldn't leave Patrick, who couldn't get out of bed, to take care of Griffin, who had pneumonia.
By Wednesday night I was sick again (I had a cold last week). I developed a horrible sore throat, cough, and headache. I ended up with a sinus infection, a bronchial infection, and a flare-up of my asthma. So now I'm using the nebulizer, have antibiotics, and am on Prednisone.
Long story short, I missed a shit-load of work and I spent my weekend writing grants. Thankfully, my parents are wonderful and came to visit this weekend to help us get back on our feet. They bought us some groceries and helped sanitize our house.
Summer can't get here soon enough...
After a trip to the ER and another chest x-ray, the doctor came in and told me it was double pneumonia. We had to pick up a really strong antibiotic, rotate Tylenol and Motrin every three hours for the next 48 hours, and give him lots of liquids (he stopped eating and lost over a whole pound).
I've been swamped at work and have some major deadlines hanging over my head. Patrick agreed to watch Griffin for the rest of the week so I could go to work, but early on Tuesday morning, Patrick complained of a sore throat. Let me preface this part of the story by telling you that Patrick never complains about feeling sick and he rarely goes to the doctor. When he called me around 12 PM and said he was going to the doctor, I just about fell off my chair. The doctor diagnosed him with influenza and started him on Tamiflu. Patrick had a temperature of 102 for the next couple of days and I wasn't able to go to work. I couldn't leave Patrick, who couldn't get out of bed, to take care of Griffin, who had pneumonia.
By Wednesday night I was sick again (I had a cold last week). I developed a horrible sore throat, cough, and headache. I ended up with a sinus infection, a bronchial infection, and a flare-up of my asthma. So now I'm using the nebulizer, have antibiotics, and am on Prednisone.
Long story short, I missed a shit-load of work and I spent my weekend writing grants. Thankfully, my parents are wonderful and came to visit this weekend to help us get back on our feet. They bought us some groceries and helped sanitize our house.
Summer can't get here soon enough...
Feb 2, 2010
The past couple of weeks
I haven't posted in a while, and I feel really bad about that. It's not that so many people read this and are dying to know what's going on in my life that makes me feel so bad about slacking off. It's more that I have had so many different things I want to write about, but haven't had the time or haven't made the time. All of a sudden two weeks have gone by and I haven't written anything.
First things first, my grandpa is doing OK after that fall. Apparently he hit his head on a table. He didn't need any stitches, but did have to have a tetanus shot. He ended up falling again just two days later. These incidents made me think about a post I want to write about him - I just need to make the time to sit down and do it.
I celebrated my 37th birthday a couple of weeks ago. My family came up to celebrate and on my actual birthday, we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants (Los Agaves). Griffin ate his first churro and somewhere Patrick has a picture of me wearing a giant sombrero that the waiter put on my head when everyone sang to me. I'm sure it will come in handy if he ever wants to blackmail me someday.
Griffin was sick again last week. Another bout of bronchitis, plus two ear infections. The steroids made him a complete maniac. No naps. Lots of aggression. Definitely a rough week for all of us. I did try to find the humor in the situation byfilming him in one of his steroid-induced frenzies. Enjoy (and know that I'm going to do my best to post more often):
First things first, my grandpa is doing OK after that fall. Apparently he hit his head on a table. He didn't need any stitches, but did have to have a tetanus shot. He ended up falling again just two days later. These incidents made me think about a post I want to write about him - I just need to make the time to sit down and do it.
I celebrated my 37th birthday a couple of weeks ago. My family came up to celebrate and on my actual birthday, we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants (Los Agaves). Griffin ate his first churro and somewhere Patrick has a picture of me wearing a giant sombrero that the waiter put on my head when everyone sang to me. I'm sure it will come in handy if he ever wants to blackmail me someday.
Griffin was sick again last week. Another bout of bronchitis, plus two ear infections. The steroids made him a complete maniac. No naps. Lots of aggression. Definitely a rough week for all of us. I did try to find the humor in the situation byfilming him in one of his steroid-induced frenzies. Enjoy (and know that I'm going to do my best to post more often):
Jan 7, 2010
It's January 7th and that means...
- I totally forgot to write a New Year's post. Honestly, I was on vacation from work and being near a laptop made me think too much of writing grants and all the piles of work that were sitting on my desk just waiting for me. I didn't feel like posting anything.
- Today marks the 11th anniversary of my aunt and uncle's house fire. It seems like just yesterday that he died. It's even harder to believe that she 's gone now, too.
- I have a lot that I need to post about - the holidays, my new medication, writing, and the weirdo ear infection I had last week. Seriously, my ear was messed up for over a week...while I was on vacation. It sucked.
Because I haven't posted anything in a while, I need to ease back into it. So here's a total cop-out. It's a video I took just a couple of hours ago. It's Griffin being, well, being Griffin. There's really no other way to explain it. Just do me one favor - don't look at or comment on or even judge me for the condition of our family room. I'm chalking it up to fatigue, total vacation laziness, and the weirdo ear infection. Just watch Griffin and enjoy...
- Today marks the 11th anniversary of my aunt and uncle's house fire. It seems like just yesterday that he died. It's even harder to believe that she 's gone now, too.
- I have a lot that I need to post about - the holidays, my new medication, writing, and the weirdo ear infection I had last week. Seriously, my ear was messed up for over a week...while I was on vacation. It sucked.
Because I haven't posted anything in a while, I need to ease back into it. So here's a total cop-out. It's a video I took just a couple of hours ago. It's Griffin being, well, being Griffin. There's really no other way to explain it. Just do me one favor - don't look at or comment on or even judge me for the condition of our family room. I'm chalking it up to fatigue, total vacation laziness, and the weirdo ear infection. Just watch Griffin and enjoy...
Dec 11, 2009
Something I hate, hate, hate
Let me preface this post by saying that I am in a pretty decent mood so far this holiday season. I'm enjoying the Christmas music, our decorated tree, and I've even thought about baking some holiday goodies. So this brief rant has nothing to do with me being in a bad mood.
I've been noticing a trend lately that really annoys me. Maybe I'm a little late on this one and it's been going on for a while, but I cannot stand when people say "love, love, love." As in, "I love, love, love Reese Witherspoon's style." Or, "I just love, love, love Christian Siriano" (and I really do love him, hence using him in that example). I've noticed this a lot while reading blogs - people tend to write that in their comments. It really gets under my skin. What's so wrong with saying that you "really love" something or even putting LOVE in all caps? Why the love, love, love? Who started that and why? When is it going to end? Ugh.
I'm seeing it everywhere and I can't tell you how much I hate, hate, hate it.
I've been noticing a trend lately that really annoys me. Maybe I'm a little late on this one and it's been going on for a while, but I cannot stand when people say "love, love, love." As in, "I love, love, love Reese Witherspoon's style." Or, "I just love, love, love Christian Siriano" (and I really do love him, hence using him in that example). I've noticed this a lot while reading blogs - people tend to write that in their comments. It really gets under my skin. What's so wrong with saying that you "really love" something or even putting LOVE in all caps? Why the love, love, love? Who started that and why? When is it going to end? Ugh.
I'm seeing it everywhere and I can't tell you how much I hate, hate, hate it.
Aug 20, 2009
Something new
Yes, I'm trying a new look for my blog. I can't stand flip-flopping, but I wasn't thrilled with the last layout. I'm going to try this one out for a while and see how I like it. It just might change again...
Jun 22, 2009
A new look
I get bored easily, so I'm making some changes to the look of my blog. I'm at work and don't have the time to finish it right now. Hopefully, I'll get everything fixed by tomorrow.
And who knows, I might change it again. I do like the look of the text, though.
And who knows, I might change it again. I do like the look of the text, though.
Jun 8, 2009
It isn't easy being green
Envy. It gets hold of me more than I'd like. I always thought I'd be able to handle it better as I got older, but so far that hasn't happened. I guess I envisioned a point in my life when I wouldn't care what other people had or did. I'd be happy with myself. I'd be content with who I was and where I was in my own life (content does not mean stagnant, of course). But who was I kidding? Did I really think I'd ever not look at someone else's life and wish I had what they had? I don't know if I've ever met another person who hasn't done that. If you've never done that, please post a comment, because I'd really, really love to know your secret.
I was really hesitant to post this topic because it has to do with someone I know. Someone I sort of know...or someone I sort of knew. And then there's this other person who reads this blog on occasion who knows both of us and I know it would have been pretty obvious to her who I was talking about and I think it would have led to some awkwardness and embarrassment on my part. So I decided not to write this, but then I started to think about why I even started this blog over three years ago. It was a way for me to keep track of what was going on in my life. Even though I was putting this out there for other people to read if they wanted to, it was for me to write for myself. That's the worst part about a blog - censoring your own thoughts from yourself. Believe me, there are some things I would LOVE to write about, but I don't want everyone to know.
So here goes. For as long as I can remember, I have loved writing. I don't exactly know how far back that goes, but I do recall a 6th grade poetry assignment when I had to read my poem in front of the class and a boy named Zachary Baker said to the class, "That's not a poem! It doesn't even rhyme!" I was mortified. My face grew hot and my lips quivered. Did poems have to rhyme? Why didn't I even think of that? The reason I hadn't thought of that was because THEY DON'T HAVE TO RHYME. That's when I realized that I was a damn good writer and Zachary was a complete dolt. Since then I've had a passion for writing (and apparently a passion for horrible cliches, but I digress). One of my goals in life is to write a novel. It doesn't have to ever be published. I just want to write one. OK, so I'd be a huge liar if I said I never fantasized about walking through Border's and seeing my book on one of the shelves - preferably not the clearance shelf.
So why the envy, you ask? The person I mentioned earlier has written a couple of novels. Big deal, right? It shouldn't be. But it is. She's younger (by about 10 years). She also works full-time and has a baby. So what's my problem? Why haven't I written a novel? Why don't I have the discipline that she does? I sit and stew about this all the time. Is Griffin more fussy than her baby? Does he sleep less than her baby? Do I lack the drive and the discipline? Is she a better writer? But then there's the flipside. I've never read anything she's written, so maybe her writing sucks. Maybe she can crank out so much writing at the expense of spending time with her family. Her baby isn't mobile yet and I can only think how things will change for her once she has to spend her time chasing a baby throughout the house. She also only has one child at home and doesn't understand the demands of having a baby and an older child who is in Little League and who has homework and school projects and summer camp and band. She doesn't suffer from debilitating migraines. She doesn't know what it's like to have a father-in-law who suddenly falls ill and passes away leaving behind a son who struggles to make sense of the loss of his dad and friend. She doesn't know what it's like to have to take care of the surviving mother-in-law, having her over for dinner and making sure she makes it to her doctors' appointments because it hasn't even been two years since she was diagnosed with breast cancer. But maybe these are just excuses.
For the first time in a long time I feel motivated to write. I've got a great idea for a story and I've been fleshing out my characters and making a very basic outline for some scenes. It's slow going, but that's how things have to be right now. I want to do some writing this summer, some serious writing, because I need to take advantage of this burst of creativity and energy. But then I hear about this other person's successes, or even just the amount of work she's cranking out and I get so envious, and at times, I flat out get pissed off. I can't help comparing myself.
The only consolation I have is that for a writer, she continually misspells the word hilarious (she has a blog and I read it). Anyway, I guess she finds a lot of stuff really funny. In fact, they're not just funny, they're downright "halarious." And I'm not afraid to admit that the envious and bitchy parts of me find that to be incredibly satisfying. Ahh...redemption.
I was really hesitant to post this topic because it has to do with someone I know. Someone I sort of know...or someone I sort of knew. And then there's this other person who reads this blog on occasion who knows both of us and I know it would have been pretty obvious to her who I was talking about and I think it would have led to some awkwardness and embarrassment on my part. So I decided not to write this, but then I started to think about why I even started this blog over three years ago. It was a way for me to keep track of what was going on in my life. Even though I was putting this out there for other people to read if they wanted to, it was for me to write for myself. That's the worst part about a blog - censoring your own thoughts from yourself. Believe me, there are some things I would LOVE to write about, but I don't want everyone to know.
So here goes. For as long as I can remember, I have loved writing. I don't exactly know how far back that goes, but I do recall a 6th grade poetry assignment when I had to read my poem in front of the class and a boy named Zachary Baker said to the class, "That's not a poem! It doesn't even rhyme!" I was mortified. My face grew hot and my lips quivered. Did poems have to rhyme? Why didn't I even think of that? The reason I hadn't thought of that was because THEY DON'T HAVE TO RHYME. That's when I realized that I was a damn good writer and Zachary was a complete dolt. Since then I've had a passion for writing (and apparently a passion for horrible cliches, but I digress). One of my goals in life is to write a novel. It doesn't have to ever be published. I just want to write one. OK, so I'd be a huge liar if I said I never fantasized about walking through Border's and seeing my book on one of the shelves - preferably not the clearance shelf.
So why the envy, you ask? The person I mentioned earlier has written a couple of novels. Big deal, right? It shouldn't be. But it is. She's younger (by about 10 years). She also works full-time and has a baby. So what's my problem? Why haven't I written a novel? Why don't I have the discipline that she does? I sit and stew about this all the time. Is Griffin more fussy than her baby? Does he sleep less than her baby? Do I lack the drive and the discipline? Is she a better writer? But then there's the flipside. I've never read anything she's written, so maybe her writing sucks. Maybe she can crank out so much writing at the expense of spending time with her family. Her baby isn't mobile yet and I can only think how things will change for her once she has to spend her time chasing a baby throughout the house. She also only has one child at home and doesn't understand the demands of having a baby and an older child who is in Little League and who has homework and school projects and summer camp and band. She doesn't suffer from debilitating migraines. She doesn't know what it's like to have a father-in-law who suddenly falls ill and passes away leaving behind a son who struggles to make sense of the loss of his dad and friend. She doesn't know what it's like to have to take care of the surviving mother-in-law, having her over for dinner and making sure she makes it to her doctors' appointments because it hasn't even been two years since she was diagnosed with breast cancer. But maybe these are just excuses.
For the first time in a long time I feel motivated to write. I've got a great idea for a story and I've been fleshing out my characters and making a very basic outline for some scenes. It's slow going, but that's how things have to be right now. I want to do some writing this summer, some serious writing, because I need to take advantage of this burst of creativity and energy. But then I hear about this other person's successes, or even just the amount of work she's cranking out and I get so envious, and at times, I flat out get pissed off. I can't help comparing myself.
The only consolation I have is that for a writer, she continually misspells the word hilarious (she has a blog and I read it). Anyway, I guess she finds a lot of stuff really funny. In fact, they're not just funny, they're downright "halarious." And I'm not afraid to admit that the envious and bitchy parts of me find that to be incredibly satisfying. Ahh...redemption.
May 21, 2009
Uninspired
I've been terribly uninspired lately. I've just been trying to get through the day-to-day stuff - work, bills, cleaning. And then there's the other stuff that crops up. Griffin's cold that turned into bronchitis. His baptism that's coming up on Sunday (which means more cleaning, more money spent on food, and many, many trips to the store to find an appropriate outfit for him to wear).
I really thought things would calm down after the golf event at work was over and I was able to take some vacation time once again (this time last year I was saving up all of my time for maternity leave), but right now it feels just as hectic and I'm really disappointed. I was imagining taking walks with Griffin and going to the park. Instead, I come home from work and I'm exhausted and he's still in that phase where he needs a bit of a late afternoon nap or he turns into a bit of a monster (a cute one, but a monster nonetheless). Balancing a baby's needs with the schedule of a 12-year old is quite challenging and I struggle with it all the time - naps and baths vs Little League and science fairs. Sometimes it's too much.
So I'm overwhelmed and therefore uninspired to write much.
I really thought things would calm down after the golf event at work was over and I was able to take some vacation time once again (this time last year I was saving up all of my time for maternity leave), but right now it feels just as hectic and I'm really disappointed. I was imagining taking walks with Griffin and going to the park. Instead, I come home from work and I'm exhausted and he's still in that phase where he needs a bit of a late afternoon nap or he turns into a bit of a monster (a cute one, but a monster nonetheless). Balancing a baby's needs with the schedule of a 12-year old is quite challenging and I struggle with it all the time - naps and baths vs Little League and science fairs. Sometimes it's too much.
So I'm overwhelmed and therefore uninspired to write much.
Apr 30, 2009
Busy
I'm really busy at work these days. Lots of grants (five of them due tomorrow) plus the annual golf event on May 11th. No time for the blog.
Griffin had his first two spills this week. He took a header into the coffee table while he was standing on the couch and then he fell against the ottoman while he was holding onto it (this doesn't sound painful, but it's the ottoman that came with the glider and has some wooden parts on it, so he had a bit of a bump near his eye).
I hope to be back to blogging as soon as the golf event is over.
Griffin had his first two spills this week. He took a header into the coffee table while he was standing on the couch and then he fell against the ottoman while he was holding onto it (this doesn't sound painful, but it's the ottoman that came with the glider and has some wooden parts on it, so he had a bit of a bump near his eye).
I hope to be back to blogging as soon as the golf event is over.
Apr 27, 2009
A guy in a bunny suit
Feb 24, 2009
Hiatus
I've been sick and I'm taking a hiatus from blogging. I've been swamped at work (three grants due on Friday), so I haven't had much time to write. I need to get healthy and stay healthy. Griffin was sick last week and I am doing my best not to pass it back to him.
I'll be back in a few days (you know I've got tons to say!)...
I'll be back in a few days (you know I've got tons to say!)...
Feb 3, 2009
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