Saturday evening was the Light The Night Walk which supported the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I walked with my team - my mom, dad, and sister. It was a beautiful evening with the most perfect weather. It was a wonderful night because our team was able to raise over $1500, but it also was an emotional night - not even four months since she passed away. We were surrounded by all things cancer, so it was hard.
I got into bed last night and cried. I sobbed. I haven't done that since the day she died. I attended my stepson's baseball game - mostly to get my mind on something better than death. I only stayed for 30 minutes. I drove the short distance back home and as I pulled in the driveway I realized that I could no longer hold back the tears. I sobbed as I sat in the garage - fearful that the neighbor boy from across the street would stop by to say hi.
Last night was different. I wasn't sobbing because I had just lost someone I loved so much. I cried because all of the Light The Night prep work was over. I signed up for the walk just 5 days before she died. Ever since then my focus has been on organizing my team and raising money. Last night came the realization that it was over. The realization that now I needed to face the loss. Face the grief that I stuffed down inside me.
I am afraid to grieve - afraid that if I start crying I won't be able to stop. All I can think about was what my mom said to me the day before my aunt died, when we knew the end was near: "It's so sad. I'm just so sad."