I've Been Busy

I haven't written in a while, but things have been kind of chaotic around here. We had Patrick's 40th birthday party on Saturday and there was a lot of prep work for it - shopping, cleaning the house, ordering some of the food, etc. The party was a lot of fun and I loved that I was able to see my family, although it was difficult to actually sit down with them and chat since I was running around like a crazy woman.

This coming Saturday we will be back in Chicago for Reese and Vann's birthday party - she turns 7 years old today and Vann will be 4 on Saturday! I will get the chance to sit and relax and talk to my family this time - looking forward to that.

Patrick, Duncan, and I also are in the midst of planning a vacation. In all our years together, the three of us haven't been on a "real" vacation together. Patrick and I have been on our honeymoon and a couple of other trips, and we've gone overnight with Duncan , but not a true summer vacation. Actually, Duncan has never been on a "real" vacation (he always stresses the word real which is why I keep saying it). We've decided to go to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. This was my family's vacation spot when we were kids/teens. Absolutely beautiful! We're shooting for the second week of August (I just need approval from my boss, which I don't think will be a problem). We're going to fly to Norfolk, Virginia, and drive out to the NC coast. Patrick and I did this in 2001 and 2002.

I don't know what our lives will bring in the next year. In all honesty, with my stopping the pill here very soon, there is a chance I could be pregnant next summer, or we could even have a baby. This is one reason we decided to just go for it this summer. Another reason is that we plain felt like we deserved it after being so careful with our budget for two and a half years while we tried selling the house. Believe me, a trip to NC is not as expensive as , say, Disney World, so we're still being mindful, but we really thought it was a good time to go.

We're trying to finalize plans this week, but we're all very excited - can't wait to see Duncan's face when he sees the ocean for the first time:

Oh Happy Day!

This could have been a huge disaster...but they rallied in the bottom of the 9th!

Crappy Day

I am having a completely crappy day at work. My day actually started out fine, despite the lack of sleep I got. Patrick's in Lake Geneva for a couple of days and I just don't sleep well when I'm home alone.

The day has gotten progressively worse and I'm really looking forward to going home. It doesn't feel like the project I need to complete has an end in sight - although it's due in a couple of hours...

Happy 40th Birthday Patrick!

Today is Patrick's 40th birthday! I love this picture of him (circa 1973) - cool collar, awesome 70's hair, and lookin' a bit like one of the Brady's.

The funny thing is that he still smiles like this sometimes...

One Year

One year ago tomorrow my aunt passed away. It is incredibly hard for me to believe that she is gone, let alone that an entire year has gone on without her.

I thought I would have all of these profound things to say as this day approached, but I don't. I remember how those last 12 hours transpired - all the time I spent on the phone with my mom, listening to her debate whether or not she should go to my aunt's house to say goodbye; watching the clock and waiting for the phone to ring; trying desperately to swallow my dinner, but just chewing and chewing and chewing; being afraid to go to sleep that night, anticipating the phone call that would be coming. Then I remember the phone ringing at almost 6 AM. I was sleeping very lightly and when it rang I jumped and had to reach over my husband to answer it. I knew what I was about to hear, so as I reached for the phone all I kept repeating was, "Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit." like somehow if I kept saying that I would wake up from an awful dream. But I didn't, and I heard what I didn't want to hear but what I knew was inevitable.

Once again I think about a line from one of my favorite books - The Little Prince:

" You understand...It is too far. I cannot carry this body with me. It is too heavy."

"Here it is. Let me go on by myself."

A few days before she passed away, my aunt had a huge decision to make - she could have one more potentially fatal dose of chemo or she could go home. Even after her doctor begged her to stay in the hospital, my aunt chose to go home. Someone very close to me said of this situation, "Sometimes it's just time to give up." That made me so angry because she didn't give up. She didn't lose her battle with cancer. She knew the odds. She knew what would happen to her whether she went home or she tried one more treatment. She went home to be where she loved, to be with her family, to be away from the tubes and the needles. She died on her own terms and she died with dignity. Because of that, I forever will be proud of her.