Patrick is out of town tonight, so I'm home alone with Griffin and this is causing me a huge amount of anxiety. I'm scared he's going to wake up in the middle of the night and I'm not going to be able to take care of him. Or worse, that I'm not going to want to. It's those thoughts that drive me deeper and deeper into a depression. What kind of mother thinks those things?
I'm trying to do anything to keep my mind occupied. TV. The Internet. Writing. I just don't know if I'll be able to go to sleep tonight. I've been suffering from such horrible insomnia lately - waking in the middle of the night and then the anxiety keeps me up. Sometimes I only get 4 hours of sleep a night.
All I do at night is stare at the baby monitor. It's an awful feeling.
We'll see how long I make it tonight.
2 comments:
Is it weird for me to leave a comment on my own blog? I didn't feel like writing an update to the original post. Anyway, Griffin woke up at 11 PM and was really screaming. I think he's still in pain from his immunizations (3 shots in the legs). I gave him some Tylenol and rocked back to sleep. I felt OK, but then had one brief thought of "Shit, I don't want to do this." I felt awful and wanted Patrick to come home and rescue me. I got Griffin back into his crib and tiptoed downstairs. I hope he stays asleep the rest of the night and well into the morning. I might drink some lemonade and do some writing or reading. I haven't pulled an all-nighter in a really long time...
Every mother on earth has had those thoughts at one time or another. A sick child can be incredibly draining and exhausting.
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