I go back to work tomorrow morning. Part of me is excited - it will be nice to have more adult conversations and to be in a social environment. I kind of miss the excitement of meeting grant deadlines and really using my brain. On the other hand, I will miss Griffin terribly. I'll miss our early morning walks through the neighborhood. I'll miss our "conversations" about life - whether or not I should still try writing that book I've always wanted to write, how I want him to grow up and not let fear rule his life like it did mine, and how he should always be an understanding and compassionate human being. I'll miss taking him all over town with me to Target and the grocery store and the library. We had the whole day to ourselves and each morning we'd make a list of the places we needed to go. I'll miss his smile, which each day gets bigger and bigger. I'll miss his almost-giggle...and I dread not being the first to actually hear it. I'll miss him holding my hand when I feed him in the middle of the day. I'll miss making up silly songs while I try quieting him during one of his fussy/colicky episodes. I'll miss him knowing the exact moment I sit down for lunch (he inevitably wakes up at this time and starts crying). I'll miss watching him discover the world. I'll miss...well, I'll just miss Griffin.
I had a long talk with him last night. I know he doesn't understand my words, but I told him how much I will miss him. I told him that if we could afford it, I would stay home with him. I know it sounds silly, but I don't ever want him to think I chose work ahead of him.
I'm dreading tomorrow morning. I know that I will cry when I get to work. I hate this. I really hate this...
I had a long talk with him last night. I know he doesn't understand my words, but I told him how much I will miss him. I told him that if we could afford it, I would stay home with him. I know it sounds silly, but I don't ever want him to think I chose work ahead of him.
I'm dreading tomorrow morning. I know that I will cry when I get to work. I hate this. I really hate this...
3 comments:
I am so sorry you have to go through this, it is a difficult decision all mothers face, and while that doesn't make it any easier for you, know you are not alone, hugs to you.....
It was wonderful to see you! Griffin is incredibly adorable and, well, a big boy. :-) Sorry we had to skedaddle, but I could tell Angela was getting tired of telling Jonathan to stop doing anything he was doing, and I feared a parental meltdown to go along with my kids' meltdowns.
You take all the time you need tomorrow--if you get nothing done all day, that's perfectly OK. I remember my first day back at work after Jonathan was born--I sat down, and my chair felt weird, foreign, alien. It was the oddest sensation I've ever felt when sitting. Then, with Samantha, I just sat at my desk quietly and tried not to cry. I succeeded...mostly.
If you need anything, call me. I'll be in an all-morning conflict resolution seminar (my department has forgotten how to play nice with itself), but leave a message and I'll call back as soon as I can.
Good luck, Tracy.
I think Jason said it more eloquently than anyone else could have.
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow.
Bring a lot of kleenex and go easy on yourself.
Post a Comment