Apr 22, 2007

The Rain

It started out as a beautiful day - sunny and warm. I tried to get some stuff done around the house, however, I just couldn't figure out exactly what I wanted to accomplish. Laundry? Yard work? Switching out winter/summer clothes? With no exact plan, I kind of wandered from room to room and project to project. I did manage to catch the Cubs game...

A couple of hours ago, the wind picked up and I noticed that some clouds rolled in - gone was the warm sun and clear sky. I didn't mind it as it seemed to be a nice change and a good way to end a weekend. Is it somehow symbolic of my upcoming week at work?

As I stood in front of the kitchen window I could smell the rain before it had even started to fall, and for some reason it was so intense that it brought me back to a day when I was a little girl. I'm not sure how old I was - maybe 7 or 8 years old. It was a late spring Saturday afternoon. My family had no major plans, so we all kind of did our own thing - my mom probably was doing something "crafty" like painting or drawing, my father most likely was reading, and my sister...I'm not sure what she did when she was 11 years old. She takes after my mom and was probably involved in something artistic. In my bedroom, I had a small table and chairs that sat in front of my window. I liked to sit there and color or read - sometimes play with my dolls. On this specific day it was raining - the same kind of gentle rain as today. My window was open and I could smell the rain and see the clouds darken as they moved closer. They were various shades of gray with a little green mixed throughout. There was something about the way the clouds looked that made me feel so safe - it was as if they were closing in on me, enveloping me the way someone's arms do when you're young and frightened. I went to my bookshelf and grabbed my favorite books. I sat at my table in front of the window and read all day.

I can't help but feel sad when I think about this, but I'm not exactly sure why. I don't want to be a little girl again, but I wouldn't mind feeling that safe. I guess as an adult it's our job to make others feel safe - especially our children - but I wish I could feel that way again. I wish I wasn't so afraid of the future. I wish I didn't have to face such uncertainty. I wish I could put aside all my problems and worries, sit at that tiny table and read all day...

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