Happy Birthday...

Reese! I can't believe you're 6 years old! I can't believe what an odd little girl you are - obsessed with science, King Tut, globes, and gold sparkly flip-flops.

You make me laugh...

In a Funk

I am having a hard time reading through my last few posts. Everything has happened so fast - the phone call on Tuesday afternoon from my mom, waiting for more information and feeling sick, getting in to bed on Tuesday night and being afraid to go to sleep and being awoken by the phone, the phone call that came at 5:57 AM with the bad news. Since then, we've all talked and cried and tried to make sense out of a situation that just doesn't make sense. A situation that will never make sense. Since that morning, I've driven home to see my family and hugged my parents tighter than ever. Since that morning, we've had the wake and the funeral - we've said our goodbyes. We've had the "funeral lunch" and sat and laughed. As we did that, I looked around the room. It felt like we were all there for a baby shower or a baptism. The only thing that was wrong was that one of us was missing. It's hard to believe that she will always be missing from these events - at least on a physical level.

I'm in a funk today. The funeral and "official" mourning is over. Now it's supposed to be back to our regular lives. But that doesn't happen. It's quiet in my house and I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop thinking about how sad I feel. It's a deep sense of sadness - one that extends beyond my own sense of loss. I feel sad for my grandma who lost her daughter. I feel sad for my cousins who lost their mother, and now who have no parents. I feel sad for my mom who lost her sister (and her only sibling).

I hate this part of death - the after period when everyone who isn't directly involved goes back to their lives. The phone calls stop. The cards and letters stop. We're all left with this empty pit in our stomachs, wondering how (if?) we get back to a normal life/routine.

Right now I feel so far away from my family, even though I can get to them in about two and a half hours by car. I'm supposed to go to the movies with my husband in a few minutes. I know it's a good idea. I know that it will probably make me feel better even for a couple of hours, but I feel bad - guilty, almost.

I remember the day that she was diagnosed with cancer - October 14, 2005. I was shocked and upset and scared. He took me to a movie that night, too. It's kind of eerie now that I think about it.

I miss her so much already.

Sadness...

Mom just called. I knew the second the phone rang that it was bad news. She passed away about 15 minutes ago. I can't believe she's gone.

She fought so hard for 8 months. We are so proud of her.

I will miss her dearly.

Jumpy

Every time the phone rings, I jump. I jump. My heart jumps. My mind starts reeling - Oh, God. Please no. Let her hang on - just a little longer. Just until he gets home.

A Waiting Game...

Waiting for someone you love to die is the weirdest sensation. Those words don't even begin to encompass what it truly fees like. I had an odd feeling this morning when I tried to call Mom, but she didn't answer. Dad told me she was giving her some medication - morphine drops (never knew those existed). I felt like something was very, very wrong. You know that feeling? Mom calls a couple of hours later and I can hear her voice cracking and hear her trying to hold back the flood of tears that want to just rush forward - all those months of tears. She could be gone within a few hours. Hours? Are you serious? The other day they said maybe a month. How do you go from having one month to live, to only a few hours? I can't process the finality of this information. I can't process that she will no longer (physically) exist in our lives. She is too young. Too vibrant. Too funny.

My hands are shaking. My legs are shaking. I drove to the Catholic church across the street from our house. I went to the chapel to say one last prayer. I'm kicking myself because last night I fell asleep without saying the prayer I have been for the past few days. Did I really think this prayer would keep her alive and cure her? No, but that Catholic guilt really kicks in...

So, now we wait.

Random Things About Me...

1. I have another cold - this is the third in as many months.

2. I am addicted to CSI.

3. I didn't wash my hair today, but I still had a good hair day :-)

4. I haven't had chocolate in almost 5 months...

5. I really don't miss chocolate.

6. OK, I really do miss brownies :-)

7. I love the Cubs!

8. Husband and I froze our butts off at a May 12th Cubs game (42 degrees and raining!).

9. I just did some dishes and now my hands feel dry and cracked.

10. We have a nice dishwasher, but I always wash the big pots & pans by hand.

11. I'm tired of only being able to breathe out of one nostril.

12. I am half finished with crocheting a shawl - it has been too warm lately to work on it.

13. My sister sent me an awesome care package in the mail the other day - including pics of my niece and nephew.

14. This is going to be a stressful week at work :-(

15. I'm really thirsty - for a Coke.

16. I need to stop drinking so much Coke.

17. I need to clean the house, but I don't feel like it.

18. I need to get dinner started, but I don't feel like it.

19. I could use a new pair of black sandals I can wear to work, but I shouldn't spend the money.

20. I pray every day that someone will buy our house...

Things I am Grateful For...

1. My general good health (stuffy nose and all - I'm relatively healthy).

2. My family...both near and far.

3. My job - I might not always be happy to go to work, but I am employed and do something that I enjoy.

4. The fact that I can walk, talk, and think clearly (most of the time) - I tend to take these simple things for granted.

5. My home - a place to go to when I'm sick, tired, sad, and scared. It's a place where I feel safe even when I feel like things are out of control.

Something To Think About

I found this quote the other day - can't remember where. It seems fitting for the family situation we're dealing with:

"God never promised life would be fair. The promise was that when you inevitably have to confront the unfairness of life, He will be with you."

That's all I can pray for...

Not Happy...

I have a bad migraine. It started this morning, but wasn't too bad. Took something for the pain and thought it was getting better. Took more meds a couple of hours later. I forced myself to eat lunch and then that's when it really hit. I took more meds and asked my husband to pick up my prescription at Walgreens. Took two different prescriptions about 2 hours ago. Thought it was getting better, so I came downstairs to get online. Not a good idea. Pain. Lots of pain. Going back to bed...