Dec 16, 2009

The weight of the world

I don't think the blues I've been experiencing on and off since August are going away. I want them to. I desperately want them to, but they're not. Over the past 24-hours I've been trying to think of how to describe it because I know I'm going to have to see the doctor to talk about things. The word "depressed" doesn't cut it. Neither does "overwhelmed," although I feel both. This morning, when my alarm went off in my ear, it hit me. Heaviness. Bogged down. I wake up every morning, sometimes to the alarm and sometimes to Griffin fussing to find a more comfortable position in his crib, and I want to cry (and sometimes I do as soon as my eyes open). Why? Because I feel the weight of the world on me. And you can all try to convince me that I'm just overreacting. On a cerebral level I know this, but my goodness, it sure feels that way...and that's what's important. I feel this heaviness pushing down on me every single day. Every single second. And as hard as I try, and believe me, I've tried, I can't get out from under it.

The heaviness is work and financial stress. It's taking care of people - Griffin and Duncan and even Patrick. It's feeling like I have nothing that's truly mine. Seriously, as hectic as NaNoWriMo was, it was so lovely because it was all mine. It was my challenge and my time to do something for me. I've lost myself somewhere along the way and what I'm left with is this weight that sits on me, pushing down harder and harder. It makes me feel trapped and sometimes I have these flashes of "this is my life now" and that makes me feel even more claustrophobic.

I worry all the time. About Griffin and finances and everyone's health. I used to love sleep, but now I find myself dreading going to sleep. As strange as it might sound, I'm worried that something bad will happen in the middle of the night. I think about Griffin's bout with pneumonia and how he just woke up and had this insanely high fever. I think about the phone call we got at 2:30 AM almost one year ago that Patrick's father had a heart attack and was on life support. I figure that if I stay up, nothing will startle me in the middle of the night. Stupid? Yes, but I don't know how to work through that. And when I do sleep, I wake up to the smallest sound and I stay awake.

I have an appointment with my regular doctor this afternoon to discuss antidepressants. I tried my hardest to avoid them, but right now, I don't see how I can. It makes me feel like a failure, like I couldn't do it on my own (even with seeing a psychologist). It makes me feel like I'm not strong enough when I always thought I was pretty tough.

I don't want people to think I'm relying on medication to make me better, but I think I need a jumpstart. The weight is so heavy that it clouds my view on everything. Going to work is frustrating. Cooking dinner is too much to handle. Griffin's recent meltdowns are driving me to tears. This isn't me normally. It's the weight. And right now, I don't see any other way to help lift it.


Jason said...

Don't ever think it's because you're not tough enough. You're doing the right thing, asking for help. That's strength, not weakness. And don't forget about all of us out here who love you and are here for you, whatever you need.

jazzfiend1000 said...

Hang in there, lady. I know this isn't much comfort, but try to remember that this is ALL CHEMICAL. While there may be some emotional stress you feel due to whatever, most of it is your brain chemistry. You are not a failure for deciding to go on anti-depressants. They work wonders and will definitely help that weighed-down feeling. I agree with Jason- asking for help is strength. Trying to get through it on your own is the weakness.

Kristie said...

It's not failing. You are only failing yourself if you don't take care of you! It is a tough time and you will find meds to get you over the hump and it will pass and you will find that thing for you again. God I love them, but kids can drain you...and drive you to drink, although I haven't reached that part quite yet. :)

Ceci said...

Wow. We are living parallel lives. I'm sorry for you, but I totally know how you feel. It's very hard to explain to people who haven't felt this way.

Re: the antidepressants--I totally get that you feel like a failure for needing medication to make you feel better. But I ask you this: would you feel like a failure if you needed medication for one of your other organs? Like, let's say you had a liver problem. Would you feel the same way if you needed to take pills to make it better? No, you wouldn't--and you shouldn't for this problem either.

Hang in there. And keep writing.

Christina Heald said...

I love you. I'm here if you want to talk or drink or swear with. I know how you feel. I do. I have a little box full of the pills that everyone tried to shove on me. I thought, "if I take them, then they have won--not me". So, I know that feeling. I often say to myself, "Well, this is it. This is the story of my life--day in and day out--and I picture myself somewhere else--anywhere else, but then I realize I need some retail therapy--even if its to the Goodwill for an hour. I think we should just go on a roadtrip together and turn up the music and sing and laugh. I think we should roadtrip it up to see Kristie!

I know the meltdowns from G can be exhausting--I know! And I know your sis and mom live far away--but I'm here to help you. You know you can always call. It's just developmental. This too shall pass (we hope!) :)

My scary phone calls happen in the night too. I rarely sleep it seems because my mind is always racing too, so maybe we need to go have a few mojitos so we can catch some much needed zzz's.

I do hope your appointment goes well. I'm here for you--and G--and P--and D. Love you all. CJ

Megan said...

I know exactly how you feel. I do, I really do.

You are not weak at all.

When you had gestational diabetes you did what you needed to treat that condition, this is not different at all.

If you need medication, you need medication.

You deserve to get better, you deserve to feel better.