Sep 10, 2009

Official diagnosis

I went back to the doctor yesterday for my third appointment. She showed me my paperwork with my official diagnosis:

Major Depressive Episode (moderate)

Specific Phobia/Generalized Anxiety Disorder

I've opted for no medication at this point. I'm not trying to prove a point to anyone. In fact, there are times when I would really, really like to take something because I just don't think I can do it on my own. But that's the whole problem. I know what I  really need to do to deal with this - everything I never did over the past 20 years. So without getting into the details, I've got a long road ahead of me. I'm not looking forward to it because it's going to be a lot of hard work and a lot of retraining my brain to think and react differently, but I think it will work. It's what I've known all along would work, but was too scared to try.

{This all sounds like some weird science experiment, but it's just a form of therapy where you challenge your current way of thinking. I'm an all-or-nothing, black-or-white type of person. For example, I think I'm a horrible mom because of that time I didn't want to be around Griffin when I was exhausted and had a migraine and he was fussing. I felt awful and guilty and I cried for two days. Am I really a horrible mom? No, but I need to retrain myself to stop thinking that way. That's just one small example. The list could go on and on. And it does...}


Girl_in_black said...

No medication = harder way to recover, but it will stick. I really enjoyed reading this.

Tracy said...

I agree - no medication is a harder way to recover. The problem I ran into in the past is that I did medication and no real therapy. I relied too much on the meds. I felt better, went off the meds, and slowly it all came back. I haven't closed the door on medication, but for now I'm going to see how things go.

Megan said...

Therapy is kicking my ass. In a good way, but it's still really, really hard. All of the things I don't like doing I'm having to do. It's been terrifying but really good for me. For example, I don't journal (long story) but I've had to keep a journal for the past 8 weeks. It's amazing what that has forced me to do.

Not intending to hijack just a commisseration.

I'm glad to hear you're feeling a bit better and a bit more confident.

Jason said...

The thought of therapy scares the crap outta me--why would I want to highlight all of my deficiencies?--so I admire the hell out of you, Tracy. You are a brave woman--an exceedingly wonderful person and a very good mother, too, you know.

If you do happen to need anything, anytime, as you do this, don't hesitate to let me know. Even if that thing is a nice quiet yummy meal at Portillo's in DeKalb. Actually, ESPECIALLY if it's a meal at Portillo's in DeKalb. :-)

jazzfiend1000 said...

T- this is WONDERFUL. This is the same type of therapy I do. Yes, it will be hard, but in the long run, you will thank yourself many times over for sticking with it and going for it. I'm so proud of you!

Let's get that lunch soon, K?

oregonamy1972 said...

I admire you for sharing your struggles and for got forward with's a good thing!