Aug 1, 2009


At the age of 14 I sunk into a deep, deep depression. So deep that I could not see a way out. So deep that while I never contemplated suicide, I kept it in my back pocket as a last resort. So deep that I spent two full months in a psychiatric unit of a hospital because there was no other option.

In the 22 years since then, I have battled the occasional emotional ups-and-downs, the funks, and I've even had to go back on anti-depressants a couple of times, but nothing even close to what I experienced back then. The last bout was back in 2001. I went to see a psychologist and ended up on Paxil. They both helped tremendously and for the first time in my life I felt like I'd conquered the depression and anxiety.

Until last week.

It's back. I thought it was a funk. It's not. I know the difference. With a funk, I can see the end of it - I know it's temporary. I can feel it. This feels so different. I'm starting to pull away from everyone and everything.

I don't want to go on and on about it because I know what I need to do. I already made an appointment. I hope to avoid medication this time mainly because I think I might have to stop taking my Topamax. Too many meds messing up my brain.

I hate this. I hate this more than anything else in my life. I hate it more than migraines. I can feel myself slipping and sinking each day. Each minute. It hurts. I looked at Griffin this evening and I told him how sorry I was. I was sorry for passing on my fucked up genes to him (god how I hope he never has to know what depression feels like). I was sorry that I wasn't doing all the things I should be doing with him (guilt, guilt, guilt). If I don't get better for myself, I need to get better for him.

So, there you have it. A deep, dark secret and a big confession all on a late Saturday night. What more could you ask for?


Megan said...

I think that just by writing this and putting it out there you are already helping yourself. I think you're being incredibly brave and strong right now. It takes tremendous strength to confess your deepest fears and weaknesses. You helped me in our conversation the other night. I'm here to do the same for you. You know as I was totally honest that my anxiety is back more than 100%. I'm back on meds again and while that wasn't necessarily what I wanted, it's definitely what I needed. I also have my appointment tomorrow. I'm here for you if you need me. We can help each other through this.

Aren't we a pair? We should go away for a crazy girl weekend... ;)

Tracy said...

Ooh... like Thelma and Louise, but with Ativan :-) (except we won't drive ourselves off a giant cliff at the end).

Jason said...

But who will play Brad Pitt's role?


Tracy, if you need anything, I'm here for you.

Tracy said...

My back-up husband. He's a local, you know.