I guess you could say the baby blues have come for a visit. It started last week and I've been on an emotional rollercoaster since. It's a combination of things - fluctuating hormones, raging migraines, major sleep deprivation, residual pain from the delivery, etc. Just one of those things is enough to push me over the emotional edge, but the fact that I'm dealing with them all at once, well...what can I say?
I cry. A lot. I wish I was crying over silly things like the fact that the wheat bread was moldy, or that I didn't get the outgoing mail into the mailbox in time. But I'm crying for bigger reasons. I'm so exhausted from getting up for feedings every two hours. I've had migraines for I don't know how many days in a row. I feel like a bad mom because I get frustrated at 3 AM when Griffin falls asleep halfway through a feeding, or when he cries as soon as I get him in his crib (even though he spent the previous 10 minutes asleep in my arms). Right now I feel like a bad mom because he's wearing a onesie with formula and antibiotic stains on the front of it. I'm just too tired to take him upstairs and change it.
I look at him sleeping (and even eating) and I feel so much love for him, but then I dip into the emotions of inadequacy, fear of failure, guilty for wanting one night of solid sleep (even just 5 straight hours).
I was prepared for some of the postpartum issues, but in no way was prepared for the emotional rollercoaster. No one told me that I might feel so overwhelmed and exhausted and inadequate. I'm doing my best. I've talked to some of my friends, and my mom has been such a great support system. Patrick hugs me during my crying spells and tells me that it will be OK. Deep down, I know it will be, but sometimes it feels so good to hear it.